Silent Grace

It leaned forward, inclining toward patches of sunlight and I studied it awhile. I wanted to clip the gorgeous, orange-tinted blossoms, bring them inside but I let them be. I lingered, inhaling an elongated breath of this fragrance lost in winter time. I breathed deep again, knowing that taking all those breaths are good for health and well-being, and stress falls off the shoulder, landing on a carpet of verdant green grass. Linger more, pause and plant these feet right here, right in the midst of the moment or it might evaporate like the rich scent of our roses.

A man prayed and at first he thought prayer lies in talking. But he became more and more quiet until in the end he realized prayer is listening.

~Soren Kierkegaard~

Maybe the moment will hold me together, wrap me in peace and understanding if the mind stills just long enough to hear the invisible, allow the milliseconds to tick off stress, ushering in abundant joy. A dog barked, water cascades from our fountain, a lawn mower revved up and I remained. The television inside silenced, worry beads tucked away in the solitude, my prayer list surfaced to mind and this is where I heard him speak.

Returning inside I waited for the pull of all that anxiety and scurrying to hem me in once again. And I wondered if I heard him right true, and I started to decipher the missive as if I'm spelunking in ancient ruins, transcribing hieroglyphics. But it wasn't until the next day when my husband and I scanned the home decor aisle at Fred Meyer's that clarity blanketed this anxious mind.

We bought it and hung it same day. A naked spot on our fence that now holds the message he gifted me that day in the lingering.  Taking a deep rich inhale of grace, I whispered thank you. I will start again.

Choose joy, rest in me, I've got it all under control.

How To Drown Your Fears

Did you ever have a wish so big it woke you in the inky dark night, the eyelids shutter wide open, breathless you are with awestruck wonder at the unspoken possibilities? Did you ever wonder if the ground you stand on, shaky legs and all, is harder and stronger than your toughest fear? Did you pause, ever so slightly, at a wisp of spring air caressing your scared self? And all humble now, tilting the chin upward, searching, still seeking. This knowing inside, it was more than a gentle breeze touching your scars, your hurts, this invisible hand massaging the pumping heart.

You unravel me, with a melody, till all my fears are gone...

Did you ever step into it once, just once? That unknown place where your footsteps now bear your name, your right size and shape, and the light is so bright the eyes need shielding from all that you couldn't see before. The light, your wish now magnified into glory. And you step again.

From my mother's womb you have chosen me...

And when my daughter and I gave each other identical scripture messages on Mother's day I wondered at his creativity, at his zillion different languages he speaks to us all trembling, toiling, spinning down here.

Is that it then? The secret to this waking up in the night all sweaty at the dream you had that right now seems whale-sized and sleep and rest sound better than walking into that uncomfortable fearless zone. The knees quake and my heart beats wild, anxious thoughts swirl over circumstances I can't control and I am still bolted to one of those hardwood tiny desks in a classroom, the ones that hide all that trembling going on. Re-learning over and over again how to live this life without all that fear. Choking on all that chalk dust. 

You split the sea so I could walk right through it...

Maybe laughter is the prescription needed to wipe the sweat from the brow, Xanax in non-pill form. I want to see more beautiful, to engulf myself in the dreams and burrow into victorious present, to step into that which waits patiently. And winging it above it all, laughing at the hard, the unknown, knowing that through it all down here, my daughter and I, we are always, always, wearing the right clothes for every single occasion.

My fears are drowned in perfect love...